I’ve wanted to write this blog for a long time, but was unsure how to communicate what I was seeing.

Since becoming a Mama, almost one year ago, I’ve noticed a strange pattern.

Many, definitely not all, but many Moms-of-older-kids (adults kids) seem to want to relate to my experience by comparing it to their own experiences.

Although I like to think this comes from a kind place, there are a few problems with this approach.

First, everyone’s experience is beautifully and unique. By comparing your experience to someone else’s you are taking away from their current experience, and their feelings. When this happens we are invalidating their experience, and it can come across hurtful and rude.

{obviously, there are exceptions to this and sometimes as humans we do not know any other way to connect, but how you choose to communicate in these situations is so important.}

Second, there’s a solid chance that they did not have the same experience you are having. It’s very rare for two people to have the exact same experience.

For instance, when this happens to me (and it’s happened soooo many times over the past year) it made me feel invalidated. I had a very different experience getting pregnant than these women, I am also having a very different postpartum journey than them. I am a full time stay at home mom and a full time entrepreneur, and many of these women went back to their (out of the house) careers at 6 weeks.

I fully support women going back to work whether it’s for financial reasons or because they truly love their job, women need an identity outside of Mom.

At the same time I fully support women stopping their careers and becoming full time stay at home moms, this by far is the hardest job there is IMO.

Womens on both paths should be validated in their thoughts, feelings, and experiences. When we choose not to listen, but instead to push our own agenda “yeah I remember what it’s like” … you get rid of any empathy or connection. Instead this Mama who was trying to open up to you, and perhaps be vulnerable with you, now feels railroaded and invalidated by your lack of empathy.

Moral of the story… let’s all be kinder. The world needs more kindness.

When a new Mom, or anyone, opens up about their struggles, their day or their story - allow it to be THEIRS. Actively listen and be empathetic.

Sometimes people just need someone to talk to, especially stay at home Mamas who haven’t talked to another adult all day, be that for them.

Pregnancy is such a beautiful time if we allow it to be; however sometimes there is so much outside noise that it can make it difficult to focus on the miracle we are creating.

I have learned so much about myself and those around me during my pregnancy, and my views toward myself and others have forever been changed.

I am stronger and more resilient than I ever knew. What my body has created, and how my body and mind has ‘bounced back’ after our miscarriages is simply incredible. I still can not get over the fact that baby boy started as a tiny little cluster of cells and now is an actual human…in my belly! I have so much respect for my body.
Everyone will have an opinion. This is something I have always knew, but became so prevalent during my pregnancy. Everyone who has been pregnant before you, or has children, thinks they are an expert on the subject and will want to impart all of their knowledge and scary stories on you. I find this so unnecessary and intrusive. Every pregnancy, just like every person, looks different and we should honor that instead of trying to make every pregnancy and everyone just like us. I still can’t understand the need for moms to share their scary pregnancy and delivery stories, how is that helpful? Are you blaming your kids for being difficult, are you beating yourself up for not having the experience you hoped for, or are you simply trying to share the sh*t out of the mom to be? The amount of scary stories I heard this pregnancy was astonishing. Although this was one of the worst parts of pregnancy, it also taught me to tune out the excess noise, opinions and stories from others. I learned that I am able to have my own beautiful experience, and I do not need to give any energy to the trauma of those who have gone before me.
Boundaries are everything. Whether it is physical, mental or emotional boundaries saved me during this pregnancy. For some strange reason everyone wants to touch a pregnant women’s belly, I’ve never understood this. If you are okay with this then that’s wonderful, however if you are uncomfortable with this (me!) then know that it is okay to speak up. People who have an issue with boundaries, or take boundaries personally, need to realize that it is more of a reflection on what they still need to heal than it is on you. In the same token if people are pushing you to do things you are uncomfortable with, whether it’s your Doctors or your family, speak up. It’s your body, and it will always be your choice. Becoming consumed with other people’s wishes, demands, or requests for you and your baby is not healthy. Take space where you need to, and although it may be difficult for some to understand just know that you are doing what you feel is best for you and your baby - and that’s all that matters.

I did a ton of personal growth work, healing, and deep internal work to heal generational traumas before I got pregnant in hopes of not bringing all of that to the next generation. I still have lots of work to do, but I am open and aware. I understand what I need and I am setting boundaries where they are needed. This is tough, deeply personal work but it has forever changed me and my life. I am not the same person I was before, and I can not wait to give this new, healthier version of myself to my son. So Mama’s do what you need to in order to be the best version of yourself not only for you, but for your baby too.