October is Infertility Awareness Month, and as someone who has struggled with infertility for nearly five years I think it is important to bring awareness to this very personal topic.

This is not a blog I ever saw myself writing. In fact, I have tried to write similar blogs over the last few years and all have remained unpublished because infertility is such a sensitive and private topic. There is a lot of judgement, misunderstanding and confusion around infertility and that is why I am finally speaking out about my struggles.

I never saw my life going this way, and it is never easy to open up and share something so intimate on a public platform, but I feel that this is a blog that needs to be written. I have received much shame, judgement, and unsolicited advice over the last five years that caused an enormous amount of pain and guilt. It all left me feeling stressed, anxious and alone.

If opening up and sharing my personal story will help one woman, one couple, feel less alone on their journey than I will feel that I have done my part.

Many women are choosing to start families later in life, often in their 30’s and beyond, and the rise in infertility continues to increase. Did you know that 1 in 8 couples will struggle with infertility, and 1 in 4 pregnancies will end in a miscarriage? The numbers are shocking and very real.

Although it is difficult to still comprehend, I am both 1 in 8 and 1 in 4.

I’m part of a club I never signed up for.

In 2020, I lost not one but two babies and it broke me in a way I didn’t know was even possible.

Infertility is a battle no one wants to go through. It’s a battle few understand, and it is by far the loneliest chapter of my life. My husband and I have worked with teams of doctors in order to grow our family, and yet we were always left with “there’s nothing wrong, we don’t know why”. This only left us more confused and alone.

Struggling with infertility for the last several years has been the most challenging journey of my life. It is difficult to put into words the emotions my husband and I have experienced over the last five years, it has been traumatic, heartbreaking and lonely. Then in the midst of a world wide pandemic we experienced the happiest days of our life, followed by the deepest sorrow and depression we have ever experienced…not once, but twice.

We had to support one another in ways we never dreamed of and move through these tremendous losses the best we could.

By the end of 2020, I was deeply depressed yet if you saw me out you’d have no idea. That’s the thing about infertility and loss it leaves invisible bruises and scars that are only visible to those who have shared your struggle and pain.

After tremendous personal healing work this year I can finally say that I survived. My marriage is stronger than ever, and we have hope that the best is yet to come.

I wish for a world where we are more empathic, more compassionate and less judgmental of one another. Everyone is going through a battle you know nothing about, so always be kind.